Absolutely Ridiculous Task
by Master Porky Minch
Summary: Finally going back to the roots of my accounts existence for a bit. This ought to be good.
1. Intro

Absolutely Ridiculous Task

Author's Note: You know… I've been on this site for some time now… and if there's one thing I remember, it's how my entire account started with me obsessing over information of the Absolutely Safe Capsule… and so, I thought that just for old times, I'd look at one of the forums to relive those good times… and while I was looking at it, I saw the absolute best idea ever. The idea was that somebody make a fan game about how your objective is to find and try several experiments of some sorts to try to break open the Absolutely Safe Capsule, but all of your attempts end in failure. So, using whatever freaked up imagination that I have in my head, I decided I'd make a story about that. God, am I going to enjoy this.

Disclaimer: You know damn well.

BEGIN!

How long had it been since the once mighty Pig King fell to the bottom of the barrel?…

How long since the entire Pork Empire collapsed in one fell swoop?…

How the Hell am I supposed to know? Time doesn't mean anything in this God damned capsule!

God, it's so… so… cramped in here! I think I'd have a more relaxed time trying to shove my entire hand in a spark plug! It's just like that one time that I got stuck in that water slide… only this time, I don't have my good buddy, Ness, to pull me out…

That's another thing… it never occurred to me before I started thinking about it in so much detail… but I'm really freaking lonely in here… I mean, I know that I wanted to destroy the whole world, but still…. if I had known it would be this depressing being by myself for all eternity, I would have just gotten a job at a McDonalds… at least there, I can have something to eat…

And don't even get me started on eating… Why the Hell didn't Dr. Andonuts build some kind of chocolate bar dispenser in here?! There is literally nothing to eat in this Hell! The one time I finally don't have to put up with eating pork all the time, and now I can't eat anything else!… Oh man… how I've been craving foods… a huge, volcano sized cookie with warm, gooey chocolate in the center… a mountain of chicken wings and forest of onion rings… cheesecake with enough size to block out the sun… anything, even the most disgusting of foods, I'd welcome in this confinement of mine… just as long as it isn't baked beans.

And with that in mind, words can't even describe how awful it reeks in here… the freakin' old coot could build a capsule that could withstand absolutely any and every attack, and he can't even equip it with a bathroom?! What was he thinking?! I'm beginning to think he literally built all these flaws in this capsule on purpose just to mess with me… if so, then he's doing a really great job, though I hate to admit it. Jeez, he didn't even have the decency to put some kind of air freshener or something in here! I feel like my nose is going to curl up and fall off at this rate.

Hell, I guess a bathroom would be absolutely unnecessary at this rate. After all, I can't even eat or drink anything, so… that's another thing. The thirst I am forced to suffer. Drought doesn't even begin to describe what it's like in there. Take the Sahara Desert, multiply that by the distance between the peak of Thunder Tower and the surface of the Earth, and you only have 1/4 of the thirst I suffer in this capsule. My throat is so dry, it's probably cracking like peanut shell!

And did I ever mention what very limited movement I can make in here? Ever since the Dragon was awoken, I could barely move in this freaking capsule. Now, I feel like that if I can move my hand from my sides to the glass, I've accomplished something. Even if this freaking capsule was able to be opened, I wouldn't be able to reach for the thing to open it! It's all clear now that Dr. Andonuts did this on purpose. He wanted to seal me in this capsule for all eternity without any basic necessities… and I somehow walked right into it!

Now some of you may argue that I got just what I deserved, but I assure you, I deserve a lot better than this. Ok, granted, I did try to kill of all of humanity, burned down however many forests, and turned a bunch of innocent animals and humans into my robotic servants, but who wouldn't want to do that?! For the first time in my life, I was free to do anything without being hindered by some lousy neighbor who always had it better than me, awful parents that I just absolutely wanted to murder everyday, and especially a freaking embodiment of all evil that I have to trail behind just to be one step ahead of the world.

And some of you may say, "Well this is exactly what you wanted!"

Well, you know what? No. No. I wanted to be in a world all about me, that absolutely nobody would have to come in and try to spoil my fun. I never wanted to be trapped in this freaking hunk of metal for the rest of eternity with nothing to eat, drink, or do.

"Well, you were responsible for Claus and Hinawa's death, so you deserve it!" others may say.

Well you know something? No. I am not. Hinawa's death was a complete accident. The Mecha-Drago escaped from the Chimera Lab, and I assure you, my men were trying to get it back when it killed Hinawa. And as for Claus, so I made a little adjustment here and there to him. The kid was dying anyway! I might as well make some use of him. So no, I'm not responsible at all for Hinawa's death, that was a freak accident. And as for Claus, he technically killed himself, and I saved him when he was dying from his fight from the Mecha-Drago.

"Well, the Mecha-Drago was still your creation, so you're responsible for all its actions, making it your fault!" you might tell me.

The first issue is that no, I didn't make the Mecha-Drago. I made the ideas for him, sure, but technically, Dr. Andonuts was the one that made him a reality. And secondly, even if I did make it, saying I'm responsible for the actions of a creation of mine I couldn't control at the moment is like saying the mother of a serial killer be sentenced to the electric chair just because she's the mother of the serial killer. You see the terrible logic of that? If you wouldn't condemn a mother for their out of control son's actions, why would you blame me for something a runaway dinosaur did?

"Well, what about the fact that you released the most evil and powerful being in the universe to kill your former neighborhood?!" would be what some serious accusers would say.

Ok, I was going through a couple of corruption issues when that happened. But really, how do you even know about that? It must have been like at least a thousand years in the past that I did that. So, unless you can time travel like me, you shouldn't even know that.

"Hey! Don't say you were corrupted! You're the one who was manipulating Giygas, not him manipulating you!"

That is nothing but a completely false rumor based on a completely bogus theory about fetus's and umbilical cords, or something like that. The biggest problem is that if you were listening to a single word I said if you were there, which would be impossible unless you were Giygas, a human soul inside a robot body, or a ghost that was just hanging around, I specifically mentioned he had no mind. His power destroyed his body, mind, and soul.

"How could we listen to you?! You're a big liar!"

When?! When did I ever tell a single lie to anyone?!… Actually, you know what? Don't even answer that. I think I just answered my own question…

"Ok, but if you really didn't want to or deserve to be locked in a capsule for all eternity in absolute safety, then why did you get in there in the first place?"

Because I didn't know that I'd be locked here for the rest of my immortal life! Honestly, I was under the impression that as soon as I wanted to get out, I could just open the door and walk out freely! The crazy old man never made any efforts whatsoever to try and warn me that the minute I walk in, I'll be trapped here forever!… Did he?… I don't know, it's been so long!… Has it?…

Agh! This stupid, freaking capsule! I need to get out of here, now!…

That's why you're here?…

I don't know how you're able to know what I'm saying right now, nor do I know if you're even there right now, but listen, here's what I need you to do.

Somewhere, in the ruins of New Pork City, I left a walkie-talkie there that connects to the one that I have with me here in the capsule. Find it, and then you and I will be able to communicate, and you can let me out of this horrible confinement.

I'm being serious, I will reward you with literally anything you want from me that's in my power, just for letting me out.

…Well what are you waiting for?! Hurry up! I can't take another day in this Hell!

Author's Note: Ok, so I decided to make this somewhat of a collaboration of some scenarios that you may make. How this will go is that if you have an idea that matches with the rules I'm going to explain in a second, then you can PM them for me, and I can try to see if I can make it into this story.

Alright, now for a couple of rules I have.

1) The ideas are to be about any character from any source, whether they be official or original, trying to break Master Porky Minch (a.k.a me) out of the Absolutely Safe Capsule.

2) Whatever the idea is, I must be able to put it down in almost a script or Roleplay format.

3) Remember that the Absolutely Safe Capsule is to be an indestructible, unescapable prison. Therefore, in one way or another, the process that the characters use must result in failure in either a comical or ironic matter.

4) Try not to make the characters that are trying to break Porky out of too ridiculous in power, skill, or any of that stuff.

5) If I don't get to your scenario right away when you submit one, don't freak out. I'm probably working on something else or on another scenario. Remember, have patience.

Rules for Official Characters:

1) If you're gonna make it for an official character, tell me which source they're from. If you are not specific of the source, I won't know who to look up so that I have the details straight. (Ex: Luke from Star Wars, Zoe from Percy Jackson)

2) Be aware that there's a good chance that I can't make perfect impressions of the characters. If I don't really make them very in character, then understand I'm trying my best.

3) If you are using a silent protagonist in a video game, such as Link from Legend of Zelda, any of the Pokemon protagonists, or any of that, then you can tell me if you want them to have a certain personality, and I can see what I can do.

Rules for OCs:

1) Give me some details about what they can do, what they are, and what they look like and how they act. That way I can better picture the scene in my head.

2) Consulting to General rule number 4, don't make your characters too ridiculously powered. I know we're all guilty of it, but try not to do that here. That is a big no-no.

3) Give me the source you're basing the character off, and let me know specifically that they're an OC, otherwise I will assume them as an official character.

4) Be creative! If I see anything like a Sonic the Hedgehog OC named Blonic, or a Percy Jackson OC named Jercy Packson, they're probably not going to go in.

Now, just to make sure that you're all aware of how this will work, I'll create the 1st attempt so you guys can see how it will work. I hope this goes well.


	2. Attempt 1

Attempt #1

Pokemon Trainer Black

Ok, hopefully when you all see this one, you'll know what to do. Special Thanks to me for having this idea.

BEGIN!

Master Porky Minch: *picks up walkie-talkie* Hello, this is Master Porky Minch. Is anyone out the-

Pokemon Trainer Black: 'Muuuuuuuurica… 'Mmmmmmuuuuuuuuuuurica… 'Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmur-

Master Porky Minch: Hey! Can you freaking hear me through here?!

Pokemon Trainer Black: Huh? Wha?… Oh, right… ok, so I was told there was some kind of reward for breaking you out of this capsule?

Master Porky Minch: You heard right. I'll give you anything that your heart may desire in my power if, and only if, you release me from this capsule.

Pokemon Trainer Black: Ok… well, let's get started. *throws a Pokeball* Come on out, 4-Arms!

4-Arms: *a male Machamp comes out of the Pokeball* Machamp!

Master Porky Minch: …Really?… You're going to just try brute strength?

Pokemon Trainer Black: Uh, yeah! All I have to do is have 4-Arms force the door open, and you're free.

Master Porky Minch: …Dude, if that were the case, I could have forced this thing open myself. You can't open the door, it's permanently sealed.

4-Arms: Champ? Macha. Machamp, champ. (Permanently? No way. I can open it.)

Pokemon Trainer Black: Alright! That's what I like to hear! 4-Arms, break the capsule open!

4-Arms: *walks to capsule* Maaaaaaaa… CHAMP! *grabs the door and gives a yank, which does nothing* …Champ! *yanks again, nothing happens* …Machamp! Mach! *keeps yanking on the capsule door*

Pokemon Trainer Black: …Oh… wow… it's… it's a bit tougher than I thought.

Master Porky Minch: *watches from inside as Machamp continues to try to force the door open to no avail* Yeah, I told you, you're not gonna do it with brute strength.

Pokemon Trainer Black: No, I can do it!… 4-Arms just needs a bit of help, that's all. *throws another Pokeball* Thief! You're up!

Thief: *a female Weavile comes out of the Pokeball* Weavile!

Pokemon Trainer Black: Ok Thief, let's see what you got.

Thief: Weav. *jumps on widow of capsule, grabs bottom of door with claws, and begins pulling as hard as she can* Weav… lie…

Pokemon Trainer Black: Ok… Lava, you help to. *throws another Pokeball*

Lava: *a female Magmar comes out of the Pokeball* Magmar!

Master Porky Minch: This isn't going anywhere. You're only going to get your Pokemon hurt.

Pokemon Trainer Black: No way man! Don't worry… they got this…

20 minutes later…

Master Porky Minch: *watches from inside as 4-Arms, Lava and Thief, along with a female Aggron, a male Charizard, and a female Lilligant all lifting, pulling, and prying at the door* …So, you give up yet?

Pokemon Trainer Black: Unbelievable… how can this thing not give with all 6 of them?… Just, give them a bit of time, I'm sure they can get it… right?…

25 minutes later…

Pokemon Trainer Black: *stares at all 6 of his Pokemon, which are laying on the ground, panting and sweating from pure fatigue* …Right… maybe that idea hat a couple… problems…

Master Porky Minch: I told you, that you won't be able to force this door open through brute strength. I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen.

Pokemon Trainer Black: Hey, do you want me to break you out of here or not?

Master Porky Minch: You want to know something? After the attempt that I just saw with those Pokemon, I don't think you have anything to open this up.

Pokemon Trainer Black: *groans in thought* …Ok… I got an idea. *rolls the capsule to the rocky ledge*

Master Porky Minch: Woah, woah woah! What the Hell do you think you're doing?!

Pokemon Trainer Black: *gets a good hold of the capsule* My idea is that I shove you down this ledge and ride you down there, and keep crashing the capsule to the bottom and having my Pokemon teleport us back up.

Master Porky Minch: Wait, what?!

Pokemon Trainer Black: Yeah. We keep crashing you to the bottom until the glass on the capsule breaks, then we can have my Pokemon reach in and teleport you out of there. Now, you ready?

Master Porky Minch: No no no! Don't do that, you idiot!

Pokemon Trainer Black: 3, 2, 1, DROP! *shoves the capsule and jumps on top, pushing himself and the capsule off the ledge, hurdling down*

Master Porky Minch: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!

Pokemon Trainer Black: Yeehaw! *the capsule lands on the ground with a crash*

Master Porky Minch: *head is slammed hard against the door in recoil* Ack! Ow...

Pokemon Trainer Black: There... that wasn't so bad... was it?...

Master Porky Minch: Bad?! That was worse than bad, you idiot! That didn't do shit!

Pokemon Trainer Black: Oh, quit complaining. All I have to do now is get my Deoxys to teleport us back up, and we'll keep doing this until the glass of the capsule breaks.

Master Porky Minch: And just how do you plan to get your Deoxys over here when he wasn't one of the 6 Pokemon in your team?

Pokemon Trainer Black: ... *puts finger on chin in thought* ...Ah crap...

Master Porky Minch: Yeah, ah crap is right. Now we're stuck down here!

Pokemon Trainer Black: Well... don't be mad at me... it's not my fau-

Master Porky Minch: I told you not to do that! Are you deaf, or are you just plain stupid?!

Pokemon Trainer Black: No... I'm not stupid...

Master Porky Minch: Then what's your problem?! Huh?!

Pokemon Trainer Black: Oh, come on Porky... I didn't mean to... *sniffs the air* ...Hoo-ey! Dang Porks! What have you been eating?

Master Porky Minch: What?... What are you talking about? This capsule doesn't let any stench through. Whatever you're smelling, it ain't me.

Koffing: Koffing. *Pokemon Trainer Black slowly looks up and sees a crap ton of Koffings*

Pokemon Trainer Black: ...Please don't blow up...

Koffings: ... *start inflating, about to use Explosion* Kooooooooooff...

Pokemon Trainer Black: ...Oh no...

KA-

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Master Porky Minch: *Absolutely Safe Capsule bounces right back up to where it started* ...Black?...

Pokemon Trainer Black: Can't talk now Porky, flying in the air! *flies right past Absolutely Safe Capsule from force of Explosions* Weeeeee!

Master Porky Minch: ...Ffffffffuck!


End file.
